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The Real Secret to Love

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Learning to love… to REALLY love… has probably been one of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn. It is a lesson I am still learning. Everyday. Every-single-day.

Now, if you know me, you might think that statement is ludicrous because I’ve always been loving, giving and caring to a fault, sometimes. It’s always been in my nature to give people 200% of me while bending over backwards on one tiptoe and balancing the world on one shoulder. Ha! But, what I didn’t always share was the hurt I harbored when those same sentiments weren’t returned or reciprocated in the way I longed for. People didn’t love the way I loved, I thought. And, there were plenty of times I felt neglected, resentful, and hurt. You see, I was doing it all wrong. And, THAT is why love has been such a challenge for me. I thought that if I gave my heart away, and always went above and beyond to please people, if I was the “yes” girl, the one who always found a way to accommodate you… and you… and you… then I would be loved in return. Surely, that would fill my empty love tank. But, it didn’t. And, I was still past E on my tank of love. Empty. Hurt. Lonely. Resentful. Broken. Wallowing in self-pity. WHY WON’T THEY LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE THEM?

Well kids**, the simple answer [which took me YEARS to learn] was because I did not love myself. How foolish of me to think that I could fill up my love tank with the love of others without loving myself first. How could anyone possibly love me the way I needed to be loved if I didn’t love myself that way? How could they know what kind of love I needed if I didn’t show them how to love me, by loving myself that way first? I have a feeling I’m not alone here. For whatever reason, there are many of us who suffer heartache and pain, and it generally stems from our not-so-perfect family and home life. The problem arises when we carry this hurt and burden with us everywhere we go, and we bring it along to each relationship we have – be it friendship, romantic, etc. And, we allow this hurt to consume the relationship and sabotage it without even realizing it. And when it ends, we are MORE hurt and throw that pile of new hurt onto our old hurt, and we continue this vicious cycle of self-inflicted pain [although we assume the other person is the reason for the hurt they just happened to be around for].

We continue to add so much weight to our already heavy load until we become buried in our pain, and after being buried so deeply, we begin to suffocate. We cannot dig ourselves out of the grave of pain we have created for ourselves, and we are so consumed by it that we don’t recognize that WE created the mess. We blame everyone who has crossed our paths because there has not been one person who has not hurt us, and so everyone else is to blame. And with that thinking, we miss the whole picture – the SIMPLE picture. WE ARE IN CONTROL OF OUR OWN LOVE AND HAPPINESS. If we had learned early on that anyone who hurt us only did so because they were hurting and lacked self-love then we would have never gone on this grueling journey of not loving ourselves and therefore, not attracting love into our lives. But, we didn’t. We thought that the pain others placed onto us was because we were not worthy of love. And so, we did not love ourselves. And no one else loved us either because… they did not have to and/or they didn’t know how to.

The bottom line here is: Love yourself first. And, don’t expect it to happen overnight. This is a process of allowing yourself to feel every pain, experience yourself in different situations without others, understand your heart, learn what you enjoy and what you dislike and don’t allow others to make you feel inferior for whatever you discover to be your truth. Your truth is your truth and no one else’s. You don’t owe anyone your JOY. You have a responsibility to contribute your best self to the world, but to do that will never mean being robbed of your JOY, your VALUES, your SELF-LOVE. In fact, you cannot contribute your best self to the world UNTIL you’ve found and experienced joy, until you’ve defined and are rooted in your values, and until you have completely learned to love your self.

And so it is. Let’s heal the world by healing ourselves first, loving ourselves and then sharing that secret with others who need to hear it.

xoxo,

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** It’s a figure of speech. This is for anyone aged 0***-100

*** I realize writing 0 is ridiculous. Humor me.


Do you?

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Break ups can be so strange. When we decide to enter a relationship with someone, we are giving ourselves permission to open up and share the parts of us we normally keep from the world… Emotionally, mentally, physically. Our lives are intertwined, we adjust and compromise some of our ways to allow the relationship to blossom. And then, somewhere along the way, things change. Hearts shift, intentions sway and oftentimes, resentment builds until the relationship shatters. And then we break up, and usually become strangers. But, we pick up our pieces and continue living our lives separately. But sometimes, when the wind kisses our skin, when the rain softly sings it’s song, when the moon gently smiles down on us nostalgically… We remember a favorite chapter from the story of us. The laughs we shared, the kiss that made us blush, the secret that was only ours… And just for a second, before the chaos of life demands our attention back, we wonder if, in that same moment, you are sharing that same thought and feeling. A moment that still keeps us connected even while we are worlds away from what used to be.

xoxo,

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HER

laughingBeauty

But…

When she smiles

When she REALLY smiles

Wow!

It makes

Them lose

Their dignity

Their self-respect

Cat calls

Dog howls

Each competing

For HER

To turn around

Hoping to

Bask

In the warmth

Of her lips

xoxo,

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Moon Eyes

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Her moon eyes
Hypnotize
The stars

Her incandescent gaze
Inspires star light
To shine brightest

In the dark
Where forever she
Remains love’s spark

xoxo,
Fionna Writes


Cosmic Lovers

cosmiclove

I can see
The stars
In your eyes
Naturally
Got lost inside
A distant galaxy
Supernova blast wave
Consumed by
The fallacy
Of a fiery
Venus love
In a heart
As cold
As mars
Deeply staring
Into a vast
Blank space
While dreaming
Of a place
In the cosmos
That is ours

xoxo,

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Get lost in me

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I needed someone

To love

My every quirk

To find

My eccentricities

Amusing

To live

In my reality

Not theirs

And whose sanity

Needed

Every drip

Of my insanity

To survive

xoxo,

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Overcoming Insecurities

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Problems arise where our insecurities lie.

This thought was provoked when a well-to-do person crossed my path. I thought to myself, “I bet they never worry about having the ability and qualities and talents needed to achieve financial success” which led me to believe that it’s because they are not insecure about having what it takes to get money, a lot of it. Whereas, someone else, may question their abilities, talents and gifts to offer the world, and because they don’t feel worthy, they emanate that to others and are treated that way, getting in the way of their own self.

Insecurities can be self-destructive, as well as catastrophic to any encompassing relationships albeit family, love, or friends. The woman who has felt betrayal and can never fully trust any man she’s in a relationship with causing her to provoke fights, over-think every situation and be on a constant search for a truth she doesn’t really want to find. Or the man who has felt betrayal so never completely commits to anyone, always having 2nd, 3rd, 4th & 5th options as backup, or is just a serial dater.

On the flip side, they can be the reason we overcompensate in one area. The chubby kid turned body builder, always trying to prove to himself that he’s not that fat little boy… but never quite getting rid of the “fat boy” image and accompanying condescending self-talk in his mind. The little girl who grew up in poverty and never had what the other kids had, so she never lost sight of money, ignoring every other aspect of her life and is now sitting in wealth… all alone. And probably partaking in a dangerous vice (alcohol or drug abuse; promiscuity, gambling, etc.)

Perception is what will determine whether we drown in insecurities or have unparalleled success because of them. While to completely rid of insecurities is not an easy goal to attain, that should always be something we work toward. We want abundance in emotional and mental health, and overcoming those insecurities so that they aren’t constantly nagging your innermost self (therefore being the sole reason behind your every action) is ideal. It’s never good to be controlled by insecurities whether the result is paramount success or utter dwelling and resentment in an underachieving life. Because, in neither of those is there lasting joy, fulfillment, acceptance of self or honest love from others… the things we need to truly FEEL successful. Granted, if being ruled by insecurities, I’d rather be the one who creates riches over the broke and broken person.

It’s important to acknowledge the root of our insecurities because, all too often, we lose sight of the root of them and continue adding moments of afflictions, collected over the years, onto what eventually becomes our massive, tangled pile of insecurities. Each insecurity intersecting and overlapping the other to the point of becoming one big, nasty, knot. If we deal with our insecurities early on… right after they are created then we will have a lot less work to do later.

Take the time to go through the emotions that come with being hurt/attacked/violated, acknowledge each emotion, feel each one, but do not sit and dwell in any of them. Do not allow yourself to see yourself as a victim because your actions and the way you carry yourself will be that of a victim and people will treat you like a victim. They will pity you, shame you, belittle you and that will only deepen your insecurities.

See yourself as a survivor, a strong enough person to persevere, to overcome this painful situation. Be the person who will not allow pain afflicted on you from someone (who never conquered their own insecurities) or from some circumstance (poverty, etc.) to define you or to make you stagnant or despondent. When you change your perception from victim to triumphant then people will treat you as such, they will respect you, admire you, and be inspired by you. Be your own hero first, and then reach back and be someone else’s hero too.

 

Find abundance where insecurities die.

xoxo,

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